Radio!

[The audio begins with something just having been said, the audience clapping uproariously. The interviewer laughs and claps with them, winding down first before the audience does.]

INTERVIEWER: -Just wonderful- You sound like you have a lot going on in that neighborhood. In that uh-

WALLY: Welcome Home.

INTERVIEWER: -Yes, yes! That beautiful world of Welcome Home. Since the show’s really taken off, Wally, I’d say you’re quite the popular character now-

WALLY:[Genuinely surprised.] I am?

INTERVIEWER: You are!

WALLY:[Wally laughs and quickly responds.] I am!

[The audience laughs. The interviewer laughs. Wally laughs too.]

INTERVIEWER: Yes- And you’re quite the little charmer too, from what I heard-

WALLY:[Interrupting the interviewer.] -You’re not so bad yourself!

[The audience laughs uproariously again, the interviewer also laughing with them at Wally’s quick-witted remark.]

INTERVIEWER:[Coming down from laughter.] Well, thank you- That’s exactly it! Is that why they call you Wally Darling?

WALLY: They call me Wally Darling because that’s my name.

[The audience laughs again, they’re just eating this up. There's a beat before the interviewer cracking up himself. Wally laughs too, as if on cue.]

INTERVIEWER:[Coming down from laughter again.] That’s true, that’s true! [Pause for audience.] You’re very beloved by a lot of different people now. Do you find yourself in any sort of romances lately, hm?

WALLY:[Flabbergasted] Romance?

INTERVIEWER: Yes- [Whispers to Wally what it means, maybe to be more discreet.] A love life?- Being so popular and all-

WALLY:[Chime in.] Oh no, I don’t know. I love everyone. I love my friends.

INTERVIEWER: Oh? That’s right, you’ve got a lot of friends in that neighborhood- In fact I think you said you brought one in for us to meet. Is that right?

WALLY: Yes, it’s my best friend. He’s my neighbor, too. His name is Barnaby-

BARNABY:[Interrupting as he walks in.] Barnaby B. Beagle! [Quickly said, one after the other] Hey! Who? How? What? Hello! How ya doin’, Rick?

INTERVIEWER:[Said as if to solidify that name in his memory.] Barnaby B. Beagle. Mr. Beagle, a pleasure to have you here.

BARNABY:[Barnaby laughs.] Hey, enough with the formalities- Beagle is my mother’s name, just call me Barn!

INTERVIEWER: Oh is that right? She was a dog too?

BARNABY: Oh no no, she’s a chicken! Ya might’ve heard of her- She’s a real famous lady! She crossed the road once-!

INTERVIEWER: She crossed the road! [Small pause.] What for?

BARNABY: To get to the other side! [He pauses as the audience laughs at such an obvious set up. Barnaby chuckles too as he continues.] They’re still talkin’ about her to this very day!

INTERVIEWER:[Laughing slightly alongside the audience. He repeats Barnaby’s line as if to confirm his words.] To this very day! Wally, you certainly live amongst a colorful array of characters, it’s no wonder you’ve come into stardom recently! So how are you two handling the attention?

BARNABY: I’ve been destined for show-biz since I was just a puppy! What’s a couple more eyes to a well-known comedian like me? As long as they’re not throwin’ tomatoes at me, it sounds like a walk in the park! [Pause for laughter from the audience.] I tell ya, we got a neighbor who's got an arm like a professional baseball player! It’s not easy!

INTERVIEWER:[Laughs] Wow! I've ducked a few tomatoes in my own time. Sounds like a handful, Barn. What about you, Wally? What do you think of all this newfound fame?

WALLY:[Takes a long pause.] I think it’s just the most!

[The audience cheers at hearing his signature phrase before the audio abruptly ends.]

RADIO HOST: Let your mind wander. The Playfellow Workshop proudly presents A Darling Broadcast!

WALLY: Welcome Home… (Laughs softly.) Oh, I mean, welcome in. You’re here just in time for A Darling Broadcast.I’m your host, Wally Darling, here to soothe your restless ears with good news brought to you from our Home to yours.I’ve been asked before why I’m the host. But I tell them it’s because I’m the most Darling one for the job.

BARNABY: You tell ‘em, kid! You’re a riot!

WALLY: Thank you. Onto the going-ons… Tick-tock, tick-tock- The friendly face of our clock has spun! That means it’s time we bid our Homewarming season a heartfelt farewell as Springtime springs into Home once more! 

BARNABY: Feels like he spun a couple’a turns too early if you ask me! Whatever happened to askin’ a ground-dog if he’s seen his shadow before bringin’ in the spring? There just ain’t any courtesy left in this town! 

WALLY: It’s not too early if you were to ask the flowers.

BARNABY: You know me, Wally, I don’t speak plant! (Said in turmoil.) It’s the dogsbane of my existence!

WALLY: Don’t worry, Barnaby, we know someone who does! Joining us now from our very own neighborhood are our very own Nature Newscasters!Hello Julie. Hello Frank.

JULIE: Yoohoo! Hello, Wally! 

FRANK: (Overlaid with Julie’s.) Hello, Wally!

JULIE: We’re Julie Joyful-

FRANK: -And Frank Frankly-

JULIE: And we’re your Nature Newscasters! We’re on the scene bringing you the scoop from the soil-

FRANK: -And getting you in the know about the whos, whats, where, hows, and whys of our local plant life!

JULIE: -Just in time for Springtime!

WALLY: So, what’s the talk amongst the flowers, Julie?

JULIE: Oh, what isn’t there to talk about, Wally?! So many buds have blossomed here in Home and they’ve been talking my ears off ever since they sprung up from the frost!

FRANK: That’s right Julie! In fact, we’re here speaking live from Julie’s own home! The roses have so much to say, don’t they? Hmm… Is this thing on?

JULIE: No no no, Frank! The flowers can’t talk! They can only  speak!

FRANK: I’m- I’m not following.

JULIE: They chitter, I chatter! They blither, I blather!

FRANK: They jibber, you jabber?

JULIE: So allow me to speak the language of the flowers!

FRANK: (Slightly embarrassed. Laughs good naturedly) Yes! Yes, of course! Pardon me-

BARNABY: (Whispering to Wally.) Those two gab more than the greenery!

FRANK: I’ll start over, I’ll start over… (Clears throat.) Springtime salutations! We’re here with a nearby bushel of roses that have so much to say!

JULIE: (Doing a light, silly voice.) I’ll say!
(Doing a low silly voice.) No! Me first, me first!
(Doing a 3rd silly voice.) I’ll tell you, Mr. Frankly, it’s so lovely to be blooming in the same town as THE Julie Joyful!

FRANK: Is it? (Playful snort.) Even with the earlier Springtime?

JULIE: Wha-! (Doing a 3rd silly voice.) Especially for that! The early Springtime wake up call was just what mother nature ordered! Now Home can see my beauty for even longer than before!

FRANK: And beautiful you are!

JULIE: (Doing a 3rd silly voice.) Stop, stop! You’re making me blush!

FRANK: But roses aren’t the only bud in town that’s come to flower! Our Home outside… Home is surrounded by quite a colorful array! (Directed towards a new plant.) You there! What sort of flower are you?

JULIE: (Doing the voice of a fancy lady) That is ‘Madame’ to you! I am prestigious! Elegant! I am… A tulip!

FRANK: So you are.

JULIE: (Doing the voice of a fancy lady) I am well-known amongst the world of flora! Don’t my beautiful petals conjure up images of grandeur? A headpiece perhaps? Worn by Queens and Kings of old?

FRANK: Oh I see it, your petals look a bit like a crown! Yes, yes, you all look very elegant.

SALLY: (Spoken nonchalantly.) Are you two admiring my Springtime garden?

FRANK: If it isn’t Sally Starlet! Home’s most famous playwright-

SALLY: Oh, oh- playwright, director, actor, star, AND gardener!

FRANK: How could I ever forget.

SALLY: (Dramatically said.) Please, Franklin! Enough of your boasting about me!

FRANK: (Under his breath) That’s not my name.

SALLY: I want to know from the rainbow monster herself! Juliet, what do my lovely tulips have to say about my gardening?

JULIE: As your Nature Newscaster, I’d be happy to translate! (Listening intently to the flower.) Mhm… Hm! Mhm, mhm…
(She resumes the voice of a fancy lady.) Miss Starlet has the delicate eyes of someone with delicate eyes-

SALLY: Go on, go on!

JULIE: (She resumes the voice of a fancy lady.) With the poise and grace of a refined theatre enthusiast who is enthusiastic about the theatre-

SALLY: That’s so true!

FRANK: (Blunt.) I don’t see the correlation with theatre and plant care, to be quite frank.

JULIE: Sssh, Frank! She’s got more to say- (She resumes the voice of a fancy lady.) The sunlight radiating off her is immaculate! She is like a tall glass of water if that glass of water were instead filled to the brim with sunshine!

SALLY: (Laughing giddily.) Flattery will get you everywhere!

JULIE: (She resumes the voice of a fancy lady.) Might I add you have the sharpest points this side of the neighborhood! Only second to your sharp wit!

SALLY: (Laughing giddily still.) Oh no, stop, stop! My face is warmer than when it warmed up in the atmosphere!- (Clears throat.) I’m only kidding, do go on!

FRANK: (Blunt.) You’ve heard it here live from Sally Starlet’s own home… Flowers have been enjoying the sun and showing off their best! We may have to move on, I’m afraid this could take awhile.

JULIE: We’ve now made our way towards the smiling face of Home’s own clock tower and where many more flowers have risen from their snowy slumber!

FRANK: That’s right, Julie! Even our local locals have decided to spring into Springtime. In fact, we’re with one of Home’s own local locals now; our one and only mailman, Mr. Dear.

EDDIE: (Gasp softly. Said in amazement.) Are we on the radio? Oh gosh, I didn’t get dressed up for it- Hi Ma!

JULIE: Mr. Dear, as a non-flower, how are you faring this Springtime?

EDDIE: (A wistful sigh.) Fair to middlin’! I reckon everything looks just lovely! Pretty as a peach- Ms. Joyful, you’ve plum outdone yourself this year!

JULIE: Aww! As your neighbor, I’m tickled pink! But as your Newscaster, this little lady has to keep her head on straight! Mr. Frankly, the questions!

FRANK: Yes, Ms. Joyful. Mr. Dear, you seem to be quite the flower enthusiast even if you yourself are not a flower!

EDDIE: Indeed-y I am!

FRANK: What sort of advice do you have for your neighbors who are unsure of what to plant for themselves for Springtime?

EDDIE: (Sincerely said.) Well gee- I say if you don’t know what to put in your garden, think about planting something that really suits what kinda neighbor you are! Better yet, what suits your home! I’ll tell you something, Mr. Frankly, my lavender makes the Post Office look so much more friendlier!

FRANK: Fascinating. Do you have any parting words for flowers looking to meet new fauna?

EDDIE: (Sincerely said.) Well, it’s always tough makin’ yourself known when you’re just a lil’ wild flower in a big garden full’a so much color. I know what folks are obliged to tell themselves- What if you don’t smell as nice? What if you don’t got so many leaves? To that, I say ya gotta tell yourself the right flower is out there for ya if you’re willin’ to put yourself out there. There’s not a pot too cracked that a flower won’t fit!

JULIE: (Sniffing miserably as if crying.) As your favorite neighborly rainbow monster, that was so beautiful. (Regains her confident demeanor.) But as your Nature Newscaster, I’ll simply say that was a lovely sentiment! Frank! The questions!

FRANK: Of course. Lovely sentiment indeed, Mr. Dear. But would you care to comment on your earlier happenstance with a local unhappy rhododendron?

EDDIE: (Confused.) Uh… Pardon?

JULIE: That’s right, Frank! We’re here live with an angry rhododendron who claims a mailman with red petals nearly smooshed him into smithereens! (Julie doing a tough guy voice) That’s right! I’m the rhododendron that nearly was rhododone for!

EDDIE: (Shocked.) What?! Me? I was just doin’ my Postman-ly duties! Sayin’ good mornin’ to the flowers, deliverin’ letters-  I even had time to water some friendly faces along the way!

JULIE: (Doing a silly tough guy voice) Wise guy, huh?! Why I oughtta give you the good ol’ one-two! The three-four! The five-six! I oughtta ring you around the rosie!

EDDIE: (Sorrowfully explaining himself.) Wait, i-if you just let me explain-! I’m real sorry if I almost got ya-!

JULIE: (Doing a silly tough guy voice) Oh you’re gonna be sorry, alright!

FRANK: Sorry he’ll be, indeed. Well, that’s all we have to report for today! We’ve been your Nature Newscasters! We’re always on the scene bringing you the scoop from the soil-

JULIE: -And getting you in the know about the whos, whats, where, hows, and whys of Springtime!

FRANK: I’m Frank Frankly!

JULIE: And I’m Julie Joyful!

FRANK: And we bid you a fond farewell! Don’t forget to wave up high!

EDDIE: (Tearfully.) Julie! Julie is that you again? I’m so glad you're back! Ya gotta talk to this little guy, tell ‘em I didn’t mean anythin’ by my clumsiness!

JULIE: (Doing a silly tough guy voice) There ain’t no Julie here to protect ya from these leaves, ya oversized blossom! Put ‘em up! Put ‘em up!

EDDIE: (Sobbingly and tearfully said.) If you insist! But I’m not keepin’ my eyes open for this!

BARNABY: Woah! You can’t be doin’ that on the radio, eh, little buddy?

WALLY: We can’t?

BARNABY: No! Think’a the sponsors, kid! Eh, speakin’ a sponsors… A Darling Broadcast is sponsored by Welcome Home’s favorite cereal, Crispy Sweets! Deliciously delightful rice puffs coated in sugar as sweet as Springtime itself!

WALLY: Wow. I could sure go for a spoonful of-

WALLY AND BARNABY: (Sung together.) The sweet sugar taste of Crispy Sweets!

WALLY: As a cereal, it’s the most!

BARNABY: You said it, kid! Say, how do you enjoy your cereal?

WALLY: Hmm… With a slice of fruit… With a cup of coffee. With a spoon, with a bowl. Isn’t that right?

BARNABY: I suppose if you’re one’a those ‘cereal with a bowl and a spoon’ types. But I’m tellin’ you right now that it’s outta style- It’s all about eatin’ with your mouth first.

WALLY: Oh?

BARNABY: Yeah! Ya just get your snorkel, your favorite eatin’ hat and ya go to town! Sure there’s a mess, but I say bless it!

WALLY: Well said, Barnaby, bless this mess. In other news, we have a special guest just for A Darling Broadcast. Or should I say, three?

BARNABY: (Gasps and sarcastically said) Who could’a foreseen these special guests listed in our ads?!?

WALLY: That’s right. Let’s welcome the grooviest band of rainbow monsters this side of the neighborhood- Franny, Jonesy, and Bea Joyful of The Joyfuls!

FRANNY: Don’t be Fran-tic-

JONESY: Are you Jones-ing for a good time?

BEA: Just remember to Bea-

FRANNY, JONESY AND BEA: Joyful!

WALLY: We’re happy to have you all on with us.

FRANNY: (Said without excitement.) We’re absolutely ecstatic about it. It’s Fran-tastic.

JONESY: Thankulations for inviting us, Wally.

BEA: (Said softly.) Yes… We’re eager to spread our joyful vibrations to our listeners in and out of the soil.

WALLY: Could you tell our listeners about yourselves?

FRANNY: Without a doubt. I’m Franny, the Joyful keyboardist. As the snow melts and the rain pours down, you’re not far from my Springtime sound.

JONESY: I’m Jonesy, the Joyful bassist. Sprouting on up from the ground is key, but with my melodious tones I make it easy.

BEA: I’m Bea, the Joyful woodwind. When the clouds part and the sun breaks through, you’ll feel my warmth come straight to you.

WALLY: That’s the most! With that, let’s move onto our last segment; The Joyful Consultation. We’ll be accepting calls from our neighbors in need of a helping hand during this Springtime!

FRANNY: Copacetic!

JONESY: Groovy!

BEA: Radiant!

BARNABY: Yeah, what they said.

POPPY: (Said quickly and with excitement.) Oh my- Hello! Oh, I didn’t think my call would get through! Oh how exciting! I’m such a big fan! “Sentiments from the Sediments” is one of my favorite songs!

FRANNY: Yes, I like that one too. There’s a lot to explore in the soil, not many artists would go there.

JONESY: Yeah! Yeah, like, what’s in there? The feeling of a memory? Or just some cool rocks? Maybe a bug? Maybe a bug with a memory…

BEA: We’re grateful, beautiful. What’s your question?

POPPY: (Tripping over herself.) My question! My question- Yes, my question- Let’s see I- Oh well, firstly, my name is Poppy-

JONESY: Woah- Poppy? Did you hear that, sis? We’re speaking to the flowers… Jules is gonna be so jealous.

POPPY: No no- My name is Poppy and I’m calling about my Poppies!

FRANNY: Ohhh. So it’s learned how to use the phone on behalf of the others.

BEA: Oh how wonderful, we’ll be able to help them directly!

POPPY: Well- No, you see my name is Poppy but I’m a bird!

JONESY: I don’t see what being a young lady has to do with anything.

BEA: Can’t you see it, brother-dear? She wants the advice of another young lady!

FRANNY: Where did the Poppy go?

JONESY: (Gasps loudly.) She’s transformed!

BEA: Oh no- I think she was Eaten, right before our very ears!

POPPY: (Said with full frustration.) No! I’m right here! I’m Poppy!

JONESY: (Sighs in relief.) Oh, thank goodness! We thought you got eaten!

FRANNY: But thanks to our helpful advice, you were not. We were happy to be of service to you.

POPPY: (Helplessly.) What? But- but I haven’t gotten my question in! And I, oh-

BEA: May you shine like a sunflower, even as a Poppy! Goodbye!

FRANNY: Next one, Wally.

WALLY: Let’s take our next neighbor. Caller, you’re on the air.

HOWDY: Howdy-Do! It’s Howdy Pillar here, owner of Howdy’s Place! The Home of everything you need and everything you don’t! Ooh- Sorry, sorry, I can’t turn that off!

FRANNY: (Said monotonously.) That’s alright. As a working professional, you always have to keep up an image. Being joyful can be so strenuous for your leaves.

JONESY: Speak for yourself, sis! I’m as mirthful as the meadows! You’ll never see a frown on this beautiful face!

FRANNY: (Critically said.) I’ll never see anything with how you style your petals.

BEA: Enough about us- How can we help you?

HOWDY: Well you see- My storefront is the bee’s knees, and I ain’t talkin’ about my brother-in-law! (COMIC STING PLAYS.) Thanks, Barn!

BARNABY: That one’s on the house.

HOWDY: Anywho, I’ve been tending my garden just as good as the next fella- Water, fertilizer, sunshine- the works!

BEA: Oh how lovely!

HOWDY: But I just can’t get ‘em to taste right.

FRANNY: What was that?

HOWDY: Yeah! They’re awful leaf-y in an un-awful way, don’t get me wrong! But there’s way too much pollen! What do I look like, my brother-in-law? (COMIC STING PLAYS.) Thanks, Barn!

BARNABY: I get paid by the comic riff.

HOWDY: So siblings three, how does a caterpillar such as myself get the floral salad of his dreams?

JONESY: The floral salad of your dreams?!

FRANNY: (Said completely without rage.) This is an outrage.

BEA: (Said slightly aghast.) That’s right! This is not a cooking show! We’re here to bring nature into bloom, not serve it up on a plate!

HOWDY: Oh come on, a guy’s gotta eat! Greens are a staple in every caterpillar’s diet!

JONESY: Greens!? Oogh, sisters, I think my locomotion is having a commotion.

HOWDY: Well excuse me for havin’ lunch!

FRANNY: (Said commandingly.) You’re very much excused! Make like a bea-gonia in winter and be-gone!

BEA: (Woefully said.) Oh, sister dear!

HOWDY: (In outrage.) Oh I’ll BE alright! I’ll BE outta here! I’ll BE leavin’! But I’ll BE eatin’! You better BE-lieve that! And I ain’t referrin’ to my brother in law! (COMIC STING PLAYS.) Thanks, Barn!

BARNABY: Comedy comes in threes.

BEA: (Said as if trying to keep the peace.) Oh my- I’m so sorry- The next one please, Wally.

WALLY: We only have time for one more guest. Let’s take our next and final neighbor. Caller, you’re on the air.

FRANK: Hello, Wally. I- (Said as if wrestling with someone else for the phone.) Oh- Julie!-

JULIE: Hi, Wally! And hello to my sweet saccharine siblings!

FRANNY: Is that our youngest sister here?

JONESY: She’s our sweetest too-

BEA: Don’t forget our most colorful! Julie, what could you need help with? You’re one of us!

JULIE: I wanted to say hi! I didn’t get to earlier, we were busy bein’ Nature Newscasters! Business calls for sacrifice…

FRANNY: How poetic… We should put it in a song. We’ll call it ‘the Dandelion’s Day-job.’

JONESY: Hmm… I like it… (Sung to self.) Flowers in the workplace toil… When they should be in the soil…

BEA: Siblings! Our minds are wandering! Save that for the cave…

JULIE: Oh yeah! Frank’s got a question-

FRANK: (Sounds of Frank wrestling the phone back from Julie) Yes! Frank has a- I mean, I have a question! My name is Frank! My flowers sometimes say I dress like a- Julie, how do you put it?

JULIE: They call you a square!

FRANK: (Bluntly said.) Yes. A square. (Normal tone.) How do I dress so that my flowers think I’m fashionable? Do they prefer corduroy or denim? Yellow-green or green-yellow?

BEA: (Sweetly said.) Oh, what a good question. The answer is simple. It doesn’t matter if you dress like a dweeb, a garden will always love you for who you are.

JONESY: Bing bong! (Laughs slightly.) You’re wrong-o, sis! If you’re not with it, you’ll be the laughing stock of your local fauna!

FRANNY: (Said gravely.) He’s right. Think of the shame you would bring. A gardener without the charisma of what he tends? It’s stem-chilling.

BEA: Ooo, fair point. Consider asking your local rainbow monster for helpful tidbits on how to turn your wilting attire into a bouquet of color!

JULIE: Yeah, Frank, ask your local me!

FRANK: Oh alright! Fine, then I’ll wear the turtle-neck! But I think it makes my neck look too long…

JULIE: I think it’s handsome! And it makes you look distinguished!

BARNABY: Yeah, Frankfurter, you’ll be the most distinguished dweeb of the ball.

FRANK: At least I don’t dress like a circus clown who lost his pants!

BARNABY: Hey, hey- This look's a timeless classic! Why don’t you make like a daisy and uproot yourself and pack a little suitcase and get outta town?

FRANK: Why you-!

FRANNY: (With a commanding tone.) Back to us- Julie, when are you going to finally join our band?

JONESY: Yeah, sis- What’s a rainbow monster band without its dynamite drummer?

BEA: (Wistfully said.) Just think of it, sister dear… A colorful quartet pushing the seasons!

JULIE: (Nervous and hesitant) That sounds… (Pretends to be losing signal) Oop- Oh no! The sounds! We’re breaking up!- (Whispering harshly.) Hang up the phone, Frank! Hang up!

FRANK: (The sound of wrestling.) What the- Hey!- I’m not done with Barnaby-!

WALLY: Joyfuls, thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to help our neighbors with their needs today.

FRANNY: The pleasure was all ours. We’re happy to have given back so much to our fans.

JONESY: Yeah! We don’t just take time out of our music-manifestations for just anybody, Wally! Appreci-cus-ations to you and yours for having us on!

BEA: We’d also like to give a special shout-out to our little sister. We hope one day that our Julie Joyful will be a part of our family band so we can make bea-utiful music together!

FRANNY: But until then, we’re signing off. If you ever want to catch us, just remember that if there’s wilting abound-

JONESY: Just keep an ear to the ground!-

BEA: And follow that joyful sound!

WALLY: Thank you, how wonderful. This concludes our special airing of A Darling Broadcast brought to you by the Playfellow Workshop in partnership with Crispy Sweets. We hope we soothed your restless ears with good news brought to you from our Home to yours. Any parting words, Barnaby?

BARNABY: Yeah! Did ya know another name for a friend is a bud? Just like a flower bud! We’re just a couple’a buds, Wally! But a pal ain’t another name for a flower… (Pretend sounds of sniffling as if tearful.) Ain’t that tragic?

WALLY: Well said, bud. We hope you have a wonderful evening and don’t forget to wave up high. Good night and know that I love you very much.