Radio!

[The audio begins with something just having been said, the audience clapping uproariously. The interviewer laughs and claps with them, winding down first before the audience does.]

INTERVIEWER: -Just wonderful- You sound like you have a lot going on in that neighborhood. In that uh-

WALLY: Welcome Home.

INTERVIEWER: -Yes, yes! That beautiful world of Welcome Home. Since the show’s really taken off, Wally, I’d say you’re quite the popular character now-

WALLY:[Genuinely surprised.] I am?

INTERVIEWER: You are!

WALLY:[Wally laughs and quickly responds.] I am!

[The audience laughs. The interviewer laughs. Wally laughs too.]

INTERVIEWER: Yes- And you’re quite the little charmer too, from what I heard-

WALLY:[Interrupting the interviewer.] -You’re not so bad yourself!

[The audience laughs uproariously again, the interviewer also laughing with them at Wally’s quick-witted remark.]

INTERVIEWER:[Coming down from laughter.] Well, thank you- That’s exactly it! Is that why they call you Wally Darling?

WALLY: They call me Wally Darling because that’s my name.

[The audience laughs again, they’re just eating this up. There's a beat before the interviewer cracking up himself. Wally laughs too, as if on cue.]

INTERVIEWER:[Coming down from laughter again.] That’s true, that’s true! [Pause for audience.] You’re very beloved by a lot of different people now. Do you find yourself in any sort of romances lately, hm?

WALLY:[Flabbergasted] Romance?

INTERVIEWER: Yes- [Whispers to Wally what it means, maybe to be more discreet.] A love life?- Being so popular and all-

WALLY:[Chime in.] Oh no, I don’t know. I love everyone. I love my friends.

INTERVIEWER: Oh? That’s right, you’ve got a lot of friends in that neighborhood- In fact I think you said you brought one in for us to meet. Is that right?

WALLY: Yes, it’s my best friend. He’s my neighbor, too. His name is Barnaby-

BARNABY:[Interrupting as he walks in.] Barnaby B. Beagle! [Quickly said, one after the other] Hey! Who? How? What? Hello! How ya doin’, Rick?

INTERVIEWER:[Said as if to solidify that name in his memory.] Barnaby B. Beagle. Mr. Beagle, a pleasure to have you here.

BARNABY:[Barnaby laughs.] Hey, enough with the formalities- Beagle is my mother’s name, just call me Barn!

INTERVIEWER: Oh is that right? She was a dog too?

BARNABY: Oh no no, she’s a chicken! Ya might’ve heard of her- She’s a real famous lady! She crossed the road once-!

INTERVIEWER: She crossed the road! [Small pause.] What for?

BARNABY: To get to the other side! [He pauses as the audience laughs at such an obvious set up. Barnaby chuckles too as he continues.] They’re still talkin’ about her to this very day!

INTERVIEWER:[Laughing slightly alongside the audience. He repeats Barnaby’s line as if to confirm his words.] To this very day! Wally, you certainly live amongst a colorful array of characters, it’s no wonder you’ve come into stardom recently! So how are you two handling the attention?

BARNABY: I’ve been destined for show-biz since I was just a puppy! What’s a couple more eyes to a well-known comedian like me? As long as they’re not throwin’ tomatoes at me, it sounds like a walk in the park! [Pause for laughter from the audience.] I tell ya, we got a neighbor who's got an arm like a professional baseball player! It’s not easy!

INTERVIEWER:[Laughs] Wow! I've ducked a few tomatoes in my own time. Sounds like a handful, Barn. What about you, Wally? What do you think of all this newfound fame?

WALLY:[Takes a long pause.] I think it’s just the most!

[The audience cheers at hearing his signature phrase before the audio abruptly ends.]

RADIO HOST: Let your mind wander. The Playfellow Workshop proudly presents A Darling Broadcast!

WALLY: Welcome Home… (Laughs softly.) Oh, I mean, welcome in. You’re here just in time for A Darling Broadcast.I’m your host, Wally Darling, here to soothe your restless ears with good news brought to you from our Home to yours.I’ve been asked before why I’m the host. But I tell them it’s because I’m the most Darling one for the job.

BARNABY: You tell ‘em, kid! You’re a riot!

WALLY: Thank you. Onto the going-ons… Tick-tock, tick-tock- The friendly face of our clock has spun! That means it’s time we bid our Homewarming season a heartfelt farewell as Springtime springs into Home once more! 

BARNABY: Feels like he spun a couple’a turns too early if you ask me! Whatever happened to askin’ a ground-dog if he’s seen his shadow before bringin’ in the spring? There just ain’t any courtesy left in this town! 

WALLY: It’s not too early if you were to ask the flowers.

BARNABY: You know me, Wally, I don’t speak plant! (Said in turmoil.) It’s the dogsbane of my existence!

WALLY: Don’t worry, Barnaby, we know someone who does! Joining us now from our very own neighborhood are our very own Nature Newscasters!Hello Julie. Hello Frank.

JULIE: Yoohoo! Hello, Wally! 

FRANK: (Overlaid with Julie’s.) Hello, Wally!

JULIE: We’re Julie Joyful-

FRANK: -And Frank Frankly-

JULIE: And we’re your Nature Newscasters! We’re on the scene bringing you the scoop from the soil-

FRANK: -And getting you in the know about the whos, whats, where, hows, and whys of our local plant life!

JULIE: -Just in time for Springtime!

WALLY: So, what’s the talk amongst the flowers, Julie?

JULIE: Oh, what isn’t there to talk about, Wally?! So many buds have blossomed here in Home and they’ve been talking my ears off ever since they sprung up from the frost!

FRANK: That’s right Julie! In fact, we’re here speaking live from Julie’s own home! The roses have so much to say, don’t they? Hmm… Is this thing on?

JULIE: No no no, Frank! The flowers can’t talk! They can only  speak!

FRANK: I’m- I’m not following.

JULIE: They chitter, I chatter! They blither, I blather!

FRANK: They jibber, you jabber?

JULIE: So allow me to speak the language of the flowers!

FRANK: (Slightly embarrassed. Laughs good naturedly) Yes! Yes, of course! Pardon me-

BARNABY: (Whispering to Wally.) Those two gab more than the greenery!

FRANK: I’ll start over, I’ll start over… (Clears throat.) Springtime salutations! We’re here with a nearby bushel of roses that have so much to say!

JULIE: (Doing a light, silly voice.) I’ll say!
(Doing a low silly voice.) No! Me first, me first!
(Doing a 3rd silly voice.) I’ll tell you, Mr. Frankly, it’s so lovely to be blooming in the same town as THE Julie Joyful!

FRANK: Is it? (Playful snort.) Even with the earlier Springtime?

JULIE: Wha-! (Doing a 3rd silly voice.) Especially for that! The early Springtime wake up call was just what mother nature ordered! Now Home can see my beauty for even longer than before!

FRANK: And beautiful you are!

JULIE: (Doing a 3rd silly voice.) Stop, stop! You’re making me blush!

FRANK: But roses aren’t the only bud in town that’s come to flower! Our Home outside… Home is surrounded by quite a colorful array! (Directed towards a new plant.) You there! What sort of flower are you?

JULIE: (Doing the voice of a fancy lady) That is ‘Madame’ to you! I am prestigious! Elegant! I am… A tulip!

FRANK: So you are.

JULIE: (Doing the voice of a fancy lady) I am well-known amongst the world of flora! Don’t my beautiful petals conjure up images of grandeur? A headpiece perhaps? Worn by Queens and Kings of old?

FRANK: Oh I see it, your petals look a bit like a crown! Yes, yes, you all look very elegant.

SALLY: (Spoken nonchalantly.) Are you two admiring my Springtime garden?

FRANK: If it isn’t Sally Starlet! Home’s most famous playwright-

SALLY: Oh, oh- playwright, director, actor, star, AND gardener!

FRANK: How could I ever forget.

SALLY: (Dramatically said.) Please, Franklin! Enough of your boasting about me!

FRANK: (Under his breath) That’s not my name.

SALLY: I want to know from the rainbow monster herself! Juliet, what do my lovely tulips have to say about my gardening?

JULIE: As your Nature Newscaster, I’d be happy to translate! (Listening intently to the flower.) Mhm… Hm! Mhm, mhm…
(She resumes the voice of a fancy lady.) Miss Starlet has the delicate eyes of someone with delicate eyes-

SALLY: Go on, go on!

JULIE: (She resumes the voice of a fancy lady.) With the poise and grace of a refined theatre enthusiast who is enthusiastic about the theatre-

SALLY: That’s so true!

FRANK: (Blunt.) I don’t see the correlation with theatre and plant care, to be quite frank.

JULIE: Sssh, Frank! She’s got more to say- (She resumes the voice of a fancy lady.) The sunlight radiating off her is immaculate! She is like a tall glass of water if that glass of water were instead filled to the brim with sunshine!

SALLY: (Laughing giddily.) Flattery will get you everywhere!

JULIE: (She resumes the voice of a fancy lady.) Might I add you have the sharpest points this side of the neighborhood! Only second to your sharp wit!

SALLY: (Laughing giddily still.) Oh no, stop, stop! My face is warmer than when it warmed up in the atmosphere!- (Clears throat.) I’m only kidding, do go on!

FRANK: (Blunt.) You’ve heard it here live from Sally Starlet’s own home… Flowers have been enjoying the sun and showing off their best! We may have to move on, I’m afraid this could take awhile.

JULIE: We’ve now made our way towards the smiling face of Home’s own clock tower and where many more flowers have risen from their snowy slumber!

FRANK: That’s right, Julie! Even our local locals have decided to spring into Springtime. In fact, we’re with one of Home’s own local locals now; our one and only mailman, Mr. Dear.

EDDIE: (Gasp softly. Said in amazement.) Are we on the radio? Oh gosh, I didn’t get dressed up for it- Hi Ma!

JULIE: Mr. Dear, as a non-flower, how are you faring this Springtime?

EDDIE: (A wistful sigh.) Fair to middlin’! I reckon everything looks just lovely! Pretty as a peach- Ms. Joyful, you’ve plum outdone yourself this year!

JULIE: Aww! As your neighbor, I’m tickled pink! But as your Newscaster, this little lady has to keep her head on straight! Mr. Frankly, the questions!

FRANK: Yes, Ms. Joyful. Mr. Dear, you seem to be quite the flower enthusiast even if you yourself are not a flower!

EDDIE: Indeed-y I am!

FRANK: What sort of advice do you have for your neighbors who are unsure of what to plant for themselves for Springtime?

EDDIE: (Sincerely said.) Well gee- I say if you don’t know what to put in your garden, think about planting something that really suits what kinda neighbor you are! Better yet, what suits your home! I’ll tell you something, Mr. Frankly, my lavender makes the Post Office look so much more friendlier!

FRANK: Fascinating. Do you have any parting words for flowers looking to meet new fauna?

EDDIE: (Sincerely said.) Well, it’s always tough makin’ yourself known when you’re just a lil’ wild flower in a big garden full’a so much color. I know what folks are obliged to tell themselves- What if you don’t smell as nice? What if you don’t got so many leaves? To that, I say ya gotta tell yourself the right flower is out there for ya if you’re willin’ to put yourself out there. There’s not a pot too cracked that a flower won’t fit!

JULIE: (Sniffing miserably as if crying.) As your favorite neighborly rainbow monster, that was so beautiful. (Regains her confident demeanor.) But as your Nature Newscaster, I’ll simply say that was a lovely sentiment! Frank! The questions!

FRANK: Of course. Lovely sentiment indeed, Mr. Dear. But would you care to comment on your earlier happenstance with a local unhappy rhododendron?

EDDIE: (Confused.) Uh… Pardon?

JULIE: That’s right, Frank! We’re here live with an angry rhododendron who claims a mailman with red petals nearly smooshed him into smithereens! (Julie doing a tough guy voice) That’s right! I’m the rhododendron that nearly was rhododone for!

EDDIE: (Shocked.) What?! Me? I was just doin’ my Postman-ly duties! Sayin’ good mornin’ to the flowers, deliverin’ letters-  I even had time to water some friendly faces along the way!

JULIE: (Doing a silly tough guy voice) Wise guy, huh?! Why I oughtta give you the good ol’ one-two! The three-four! The five-six! I oughtta ring you around the rosie!

EDDIE: (Sorrowfully explaining himself.) Wait, i-if you just let me explain-! I’m real sorry if I almost got ya-!

JULIE: (Doing a silly tough guy voice) Oh you’re gonna be sorry, alright!

FRANK: Sorry he’ll be, indeed. Well, that’s all we have to report for today! We’ve been your Nature Newscasters! We’re always on the scene bringing you the scoop from the soil-

JULIE: -And getting you in the know about the whos, whats, where, hows, and whys of Springtime!

FRANK: I’m Frank Frankly!

JULIE: And I’m Julie Joyful!

FRANK: And we bid you a fond farewell! Don’t forget to wave up high!

EDDIE: (Tearfully.) Julie! Julie is that you again? I’m so glad you're back! Ya gotta talk to this little guy, tell ‘em I didn’t mean anythin’ by my clumsiness!

JULIE: (Doing a silly tough guy voice) There ain’t no Julie here to protect ya from these leaves, ya oversized blossom! Put ‘em up! Put ‘em up!

EDDIE: (Sobbingly and tearfully said.) If you insist! But I’m not keepin’ my eyes open for this!

BARNABY: Woah! You can’t be doin’ that on the radio, eh, little buddy?

WALLY: We can’t?

BARNABY: No! Think’a the sponsors, kid! Eh, speakin’ a sponsors… A Darling Broadcast is sponsored by Welcome Home’s favorite cereal, Crispy Sweets! Deliciously delightful rice puffs coated in sugar as sweet as Springtime itself!

WALLY: Wow. I could sure go for a spoonful of-

WALLY AND BARNABY: (Sung together.) The sweet sugar taste of Crispy Sweets!

WALLY: As a cereal, it’s the most!

BARNABY: You said it, kid! Say, how do you enjoy your cereal?

WALLY: Hmm… With a slice of fruit… With a cup of coffee. With a spoon, with a bowl. Isn’t that right?

BARNABY: I suppose if you’re one’a those ‘cereal with a bowl and a spoon’ types. But I’m tellin’ you right now that it’s outta style- It’s all about eatin’ with your mouth first.

WALLY: Oh?

BARNABY: Yeah! Ya just get your snorkel, your favorite eatin’ hat and ya go to town! Sure there’s a mess, but I say bless it!

WALLY: Well said, Barnaby, bless this mess. In other news, we have a special guest just for A Darling Broadcast. Or should I say, three?

BARNABY: (Gasps and sarcastically said) Who could’a foreseen these special guests listed in our ads?!?

WALLY: That’s right. Let’s welcome the grooviest band of rainbow monsters this side of the neighborhood- Franny, Jonesy, and Bea Joyful of The Joyfuls!

FRANNY: Don’t be Fran-tic-

JONESY: Are you Jones-ing for a good time?

BEA: Just remember to Bea-

FRANNY, JONESY AND BEA: Joyful!

WALLY: We’re happy to have you all on with us.

FRANNY: (Said without excitement.) We’re absolutely ecstatic about it. It’s Fran-tastic.

JONESY: Thankulations for inviting us, Wally.

BEA: (Said softly.) Yes… We’re eager to spread our joyful vibrations to our listeners in and out of the soil.

WALLY: Could you tell our listeners about yourselves?

FRANNY: Without a doubt. I’m Franny, the Joyful keyboardist. As the snow melts and the rain pours down, you’re not far from my Springtime sound.

JONESY: I’m Jonesy, the Joyful bassist. Sprouting on up from the ground is key, but with my melodious tones I make it easy.

BEA: I’m Bea, the Joyful woodwind. When the clouds part and the sun breaks through, you’ll feel my warmth come straight to you.

WALLY: That’s the most! With that, let’s move onto our last segment; The Joyful Consultation. We’ll be accepting calls from our neighbors in need of a helping hand during this Springtime!

FRANNY: Copacetic!

JONESY: Groovy!

BEA: Radiant!

BARNABY: Yeah, what they said.

POPPY: (Said quickly and with excitement.) Oh my- Hello! Oh, I didn’t think my call would get through! Oh how exciting! I’m such a big fan! “Sentiments from the Sediments” is one of my favorite songs!

FRANNY: Yes, I like that one too. There’s a lot to explore in the soil, not many artists would go there.

JONESY: Yeah! Yeah, like, what’s in there? The feeling of a memory? Or just some cool rocks? Maybe a bug? Maybe a bug with a memory…

BEA: We’re grateful, beautiful. What’s your question?

POPPY: (Tripping over herself.) My question! My question- Yes, my question- Let’s see I- Oh well, firstly, my name is Poppy-

JONESY: Woah- Poppy? Did you hear that, sis? We’re speaking to the flowers… Jules is gonna be so jealous.

POPPY: No no- My name is Poppy and I’m calling about my Poppies!

FRANNY: Ohhh. So it’s learned how to use the phone on behalf of the others.

BEA: Oh how wonderful, we’ll be able to help them directly!

POPPY: Well- No, you see my name is Poppy but I’m a bird!

JONESY: I don’t see what being a young lady has to do with anything.

BEA: Can’t you see it, brother-dear? She wants the advice of another young lady!

FRANNY: Where did the Poppy go?

JONESY: (Gasps loudly.) She’s transformed!

BEA: Oh no- I think she was Eaten, right before our very ears!

POPPY: (Said with full frustration.) No! I’m right here! I’m Poppy!

JONESY: (Sighs in relief.) Oh, thank goodness! We thought you got eaten!

FRANNY: But thanks to our helpful advice, you were not. We were happy to be of service to you.

POPPY: (Helplessly.) What? But- but I haven’t gotten my question in! And I, oh-

BEA: May you shine like a sunflower, even as a Poppy! Goodbye!

FRANNY: Next one, Wally.

WALLY: Let’s take our next neighbor. Caller, you’re on the air.

HOWDY: Howdy-Do! It’s Howdy Pillar here, owner of Howdy’s Place! The Home of everything you need and everything you don’t! Ooh- Sorry, sorry, I can’t turn that off!

FRANNY: (Said monotonously.) That’s alright. As a working professional, you always have to keep up an image. Being joyful can be so strenuous for your leaves.

JONESY: Speak for yourself, sis! I’m as mirthful as the meadows! You’ll never see a frown on this beautiful face!

FRANNY: (Critically said.) I’ll never see anything with how you style your petals.

BEA: Enough about us- How can we help you?

HOWDY: Well you see- My storefront is the bee’s knees, and I ain’t talkin’ about my brother-in-law! (COMIC STING PLAYS.) Thanks, Barn!

BARNABY: That one’s on the house.

HOWDY: Anywho, I’ve been tending my garden just as good as the next fella- Water, fertilizer, sunshine- the works!

BEA: Oh how lovely!

HOWDY: But I just can’t get ‘em to taste right.

FRANNY: What was that?

HOWDY: Yeah! They’re awful leaf-y in an un-awful way, don’t get me wrong! But there’s way too much pollen! What do I look like, my brother-in-law? (COMIC STING PLAYS.) Thanks, Barn!

BARNABY: I get paid by the comic riff.

HOWDY: So siblings three, how does a caterpillar such as myself get the floral salad of his dreams?

JONESY: The floral salad of your dreams?!

FRANNY: (Said completely without rage.) This is an outrage.

BEA: (Said slightly aghast.) That’s right! This is not a cooking show! We’re here to bring nature into bloom, not serve it up on a plate!

HOWDY: Oh come on, a guy’s gotta eat! Greens are a staple in every caterpillar’s diet!

JONESY: Greens!? Oogh, sisters, I think my locomotion is having a commotion.

HOWDY: Well excuse me for havin’ lunch!

FRANNY: (Said commandingly.) You’re very much excused! Make like a bea-gonia in winter and be-gone!

BEA: (Woefully said.) Oh, sister dear!

HOWDY: (In outrage.) Oh I’ll BE alright! I’ll BE outta here! I’ll BE leavin’! But I’ll BE eatin’! You better BE-lieve that! And I ain’t referrin’ to my brother in law! (COMIC STING PLAYS.) Thanks, Barn!

BARNABY: Comedy comes in threes.

BEA: (Said as if trying to keep the peace.) Oh my- I’m so sorry- The next one please, Wally.

WALLY: We only have time for one more guest. Let’s take our next and final neighbor. Caller, you’re on the air.

FRANK: Hello, Wally. I- (Said as if wrestling with someone else for the phone.) Oh- Julie!-

JULIE: Hi, Wally! And hello to my sweet saccharine siblings!

FRANNY: Is that our youngest sister here?

JONESY: She’s our sweetest too-

BEA: Don’t forget our most colorful! Julie, what could you need help with? You’re one of us!

JULIE: I wanted to say hi! I didn’t get to earlier, we were busy bein’ Nature Newscasters! Business calls for sacrifice…

FRANNY: How poetic… We should put it in a song. We’ll call it ‘the Dandelion’s Day-job.’

JONESY: Hmm… I like it… (Sung to self.) Flowers in the workplace toil… When they should be in the soil…

BEA: Siblings! Our minds are wandering! Save that for the cave…

JULIE: Oh yeah! Frank’s got a question-

FRANK: (Sounds of Frank wrestling the phone back from Julie) Yes! Frank has a- I mean, I have a question! My name is Frank! My flowers sometimes say I dress like a- Julie, how do you put it?

JULIE: They call you a square!

FRANK: (Bluntly said.) Yes. A square. (Normal tone.) How do I dress so that my flowers think I’m fashionable? Do they prefer corduroy or denim? Yellow-green or green-yellow?

BEA: (Sweetly said.) Oh, what a good question. The answer is simple. It doesn’t matter if you dress like a dweeb, a garden will always love you for who you are.

JONESY: Bing bong! (Laughs slightly.) You’re wrong-o, sis! If you’re not with it, you’ll be the laughing stock of your local fauna!

FRANNY: (Said gravely.) He’s right. Think of the shame you would bring. A gardener without the charisma of what he tends? It’s stem-chilling.

BEA: Ooo, fair point. Consider asking your local rainbow monster for helpful tidbits on how to turn your wilting attire into a bouquet of color!

JULIE: Yeah, Frank, ask your local me!

FRANK: Oh alright! Fine, then I’ll wear the turtle-neck! But I think it makes my neck look too long…

JULIE: I think it’s handsome! And it makes you look distinguished!

BARNABY: Yeah, Frankfurter, you’ll be the most distinguished dweeb of the ball.

FRANK: At least I don’t dress like a circus clown who lost his pants!

BARNABY: Hey, hey- This look's a timeless classic! Why don’t you make like a daisy and uproot yourself and pack a little suitcase and get outta town?

FRANK: Why you-!

FRANNY: (With a commanding tone.) Back to us- Julie, when are you going to finally join our band?

JONESY: Yeah, sis- What’s a rainbow monster band without its dynamite drummer?

BEA: (Wistfully said.) Just think of it, sister dear… A colorful quartet pushing the seasons!

JULIE: (Nervous and hesitant) That sounds… (Pretends to be losing signal) Oop- Oh no! The sounds! We’re breaking up!- (Whispering harshly.) Hang up the phone, Frank! Hang up!

FRANK: (The sound of wrestling.) What the- Hey!- I’m not done with Barnaby-!

WALLY: Joyfuls, thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to help our neighbors with their needs today.

FRANNY: The pleasure was all ours. We’re happy to have given back so much to our fans.

JONESY: Yeah! We don’t just take time out of our music-manifestations for just anybody, Wally! Appreci-cus-ations to you and yours for having us on!

BEA: We’d also like to give a special shout-out to our little sister. We hope one day that our Julie Joyful will be a part of our family band so we can make bea-utiful music together!

FRANNY: But until then, we’re signing off. If you ever want to catch us, just remember that if there’s wilting abound-

JONESY: Just keep an ear to the ground!-

BEA: And follow that joyful sound!

WALLY: Thank you, how wonderful. This concludes our special airing of A Darling Broadcast brought to you by the Playfellow Workshop in partnership with Crispy Sweets. We hope we soothed your restless ears with good news brought to you from our Home to yours. Any parting words, Barnaby?

BARNABY: Yeah! Did ya know another name for a friend is a bud? Just like a flower bud! We’re just a couple’a buds, Wally! But a pal ain’t another name for a flower… (Pretend sounds of sniffling as if tearful.) Ain’t that tragic?

WALLY: Well said, bud. We hope you have a wonderful evening and don’t forget to wave up high. Good night and know that I love you very much.

(Clicks and static can be heard as the audio starts.)

RADIO HOST: Let your mind wander.The Playfellow Workshop proudly presents A Darling Broadcast.

(JINGLE PLAYS.)

FRANK: Welcome in-
Or I should say Welcome Home! You’re right on time!
I’m your frankly frank host Frank Frankly!

JULIE: And I’m your co-host who loves you the most-y most! It’s your favorite rainbow monster, Julie Joyful!

FRANK: Frankly speaking, we’re here to bring you… (In unison with JULIE, sung.) A Darling Broadcast!

JULIE: (In unison with FRANK, sung.)
A Darling Broadcast!

(Jingle briefly plays.)

FRANK: So sit back, relax, and allow us to soothe your restless ears with good news brought to you from our Home to yours!

(Various wacky noises can be heard, including drums, clown horns, and a slide whistle.)

FRANK: (Surprised.) Julie! I said soothe their restless ears! Not make them more restless!

JULIE: Soothe? I thought you said make a big racket!

(A rim shot sound effect is heard, plus another horn as Frank speaks.)

FRANK: (Grumbling.) Hmph. I didn’t say that at all. (At full volume.) In any case, it is just as it seems, dear listeners!

JULIE: We’re happy to report that we've gone from being your nature newscasters to your darling broadcasters! But just for today!

FRANK: That’s right, but not to worry. Wally and Barnaby are not as far away as they seem!

JULIE: They’re not? Phew! And here I was worried we’d have to sound the alarms!

(The sound of an alarm can be heard.)

FRANK: (Exasperated.)
Julie!

(JULIE laughs over him.)

FRANK: I am saying that we have quite a different broadcast this time around! One that I believe to be the perfect opportunity to teach everyone a little more about a different aspect of Springtime!

JULIE: (Affectionately said.) Really, Frankly-kins?

FRANK: (Just as affectionately.) Really, Julie-dear! (Back to normal.) As we all know, Springtime arrives in Home with lush green fields sprinkled with newly bloomed flowers of all shapes and hues! These picturesque visuals may not be too unfamiliar to the spring time felt and seen by many of our young listeners at home!

JULIE: Oh, wowee! Talk about a Rose bud-nch- (She begins cracking up as she continues.) -of good stuff to s’mee!

(A rim shot sound effect is heard. JULIE bursts out laughing.)

FRANK: Precisely, Julie! But that’s not all that makes up Springtime! Once you walk outside your cozy abode, you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find someone else there, just waiting to welcome you to the newly changed season!

JULIE: (Gasps. Sweetly said.) Is it li’l’ ol’ me?

FRANK: (Stifling a laugh.)…Sometimes! (Said normally.) But I’m referring to Home’s smallest residents! They’re the plentiful array of creatures that make up this neighborhood’s colorful ecosystem! Insects! Mollusks! Crustaceans! I’m talking of course about bugs! In all of their splendor!

JULIE: Golly! Sounds more like we’re hosting Howdy’s family reunion!

(A rim shot sound effect is heard.)

FRANK: Julie! (He pauses and then laughs a little to himself.) …Actually, that was pretty funny… (He catches himself and clears his throat before continuing.) Joining us live to tell us more about these little fellows is none other than Wally Darling and Barnaby B. Beagle!

(A low horn jingle plays.)

FRANK: Wally, Barnaby, can you hear us from outside?

WALLY: Yes. This is Wally Darling-

BARNABY: And Barnaby B. Beetle-

WALLY: And we’re your Insect Inspectors! We’re on the scene bringing you the buzz from the bees…

BARNABY: -And getting you in the woah about the whosies, twosies, leftys, rightys about why Frank made us go outside to talk about the worms-

WALLY: -Just in time for Springtime! We’re speaking to you now from a few colorful trees that are said to house some of our tiniest neighbors.

FRANK: (Genuine.) Exciting! So, what’s the news amongst the bugs, Wally?

WALLY: I don’t know. I don’t speak bug.

BARNABY: Good one, Walls! Julie, hit it!

JULIE: (As if shouted from another room.) Hitting it!!

(A rim shot and slide whistle sound effect is heard.)

FRANK: Julie! Don’t encourage him!

(An apologetic slide whistle is heard.)

FRANK: (Grumbling.) As I was saying… (Back to his joyful disposition.) Fret not, Wally! That’s why I’ve sent you both outside! No matter where you look, you’ll come to realize you’re not so far away from a delightful new specimen!

FRANK: Before we begin, however, we need to get properly prepared! You can’t start your research without a field journal, after all! So let’s all get our pencils and paper out to begin recording our findings!

BARNABY: (Sputtering.) Pencils?! Paper!? What’s this, Frankfurter!? You’re puttin’ us to work now!? Like some kind’a pencil-pushin’ paper enjoyer?!

FRANK: (Ignoring Barnaby’s sour tone and said with complete joy.) That’s right! I want our listeners at home to sketch out all of the new and unfamiliar species we’ll be finding today while we get to learn more about them! Like an honest to goodness insect inspector! So get to work, Mr. Beetle!

JULIE: Yeah! What he said!

(A cartoonish slide whistle sound effect plays.)

BARNABY: (Said like a fancy lady.) Why I never! Are you hearin’ this, Walls?!

WALLY: Yes. I have my pencil and paper ready, Frank!

BARNABY: Oh brother…

WALLY: Just in time too. It looks like a bug is coming out of the tree as we speak!

FRANK: Wonderful! Then let’s begin! Why don’t you describe what you’re seeing, Wally?

WALLY: Hmm… This bug is blue and very long, with a lot of little, yellow legs. Its body is made of circles with funny markings on each circle that looks like an eye. This bug has a round head with a pair of antennas on top made of three round balls each. It looks like it has three eyes on its head, but the eye in the middle is open. I like its eyelashes.

FRANK: That’s a Geophilomorpha! A Dozing Blue Centipede! It’s a docile creature that only seems to come out to bathe in the sun! Right before scurrying back into the dark, cozy crevices where they can typically be found!

BARNABY: Sounds like my kinda guy.

FRANK: If it looks like they’re sleeping, you’d find yourself sorely mistaken! The eyes on the side of their face are actually false eye markings, much like the ones on their back! Nestled between their bobbing antennas is their single, true eye! Thankfully for the Dozing Blue Centipede, their antennas act as an additional tool to allow them to navigate their surroundings!

BARNABY: Hmm… Y’know what? Still my kinda guy!

WALLY: Yes, I wish I had antennae too.

BARNABY: Hey- how do ya like my drawing, Walls? I added a party hat.

WALLY: It’s beautiful! I like the hat.

FRANK: (Said with slight skepticism.)Good to see you’re working alongside us, Barnaby.

BARNABY: What can I say? I’ve turned over a new leaf! And whaddya know, the leaf I turned over has got a bug hidin’ underneath!

JULIE: (Said tearfully.) That’s so nice that it just worms your heart! Don’t it, Frank?

(A rim shot sound effect is heard.)

FRANK: More like ant-tagonizes it!

BARNABY: He said a pun! Julie! Hit it!

JULIE: (Gasps.) You got it!

(A cartoonish victorious array of sound effects are heard.)

FRANK: (In exasperation) You two-! Julie-! (He sighs in annoyance, then accepts his fate.) Against my better judgement… Go ahead, Barnaby.

BARNABY: I’d bee happy too! Allow me to entomologistate what I’m lookin’ at… Hm… I think I’m seein’ a smallish, biggish bug! It’s huge! …Uh, but only a little! With eight legs, even! Pretty hearty lookin’ guy too, I bet it could lift a whole crate of apples all on its own…

FRANK: (Sincere.) Really? That’s… That’s remarkable! Could it be a type of spider? A beetle… Keep going!

BARNABY: Let’s see… There’s a couple of striped antennas on the head… For feel-ern around I bet… The guy’s green too, with a smidge of blue markings on top! One might use the scientific term ‘hair-do’ to describe this anomaly! Tastefully coiffed, I might add!

FRANK: Hold on! Allow me to add those details to the drawing… (The sound of pencil on paper can be heard.) And-! that’s-! (His cheerful disposition disappears completely and he responds dead pan.) …That’s Howdy. (Angrily said) Barnaby! Oh! I should have known!

(A couple of sad whistles toot-toot.)

BARNABY: Not now, Frankly-poo, you’re interruptin’ my research for the kids at home! Where was I? Oh yeah- This bug’s got a big red schnozz… Unmistakably clownish in nature… Could it be the honkin’ type? (A honk plays.) Who could say…

HOWDY: What’s that about my schnozz, wise guy?

WALLY: Hello, Howdy. We are admiring it from afar.

BARNABY: Yeah! Bugs is our business- Frank’s got us playin’ Inspect Connector! He’s workin’ us like a couple’a dogs!

WALLY: But you are a dog.

BARNABY: But you’re not, Wally! And that just t’wain’t right!

FRANK: (Exasperated and defensive.) You’re insect inspectors! And- And that’s preposterous! I’m trying to teach you something!

HOWDY: (Proudly said.) Well if you ask this bug, I say bein’ inspected by an insect inspector is just plain wrong! Who goes around lookin’ at folks under a magnifying glass? Makin’ comments about the shape of their antenna like he ain’t in the room? As a grown caterpillar, I oughtta give Frank a piece of my mind!

(A triumphant, patriotic horn tune begins to play.)

HOWDY: But as a beloved town store clerk, I know the customer is always right! Birdbrained or not! (The music cuts out.) Speaking of birds, this pillar’s got a loyal consumer to inch to! So long, fellas!

(HOWDY’s multiple feet can be heard scuttling away.)

WALLY: So long, Howdy.

BARNABY: So long? I thought he said only an inch!

FRANK: (Exasperated.) Enough! Wally, why don’t you tell us about one more bug! (Sad little whistles toot-tooting can be heard.) Preferably before my head spins off my body…

WALLY: You’ve got it! I see one more… It’s on one of Home’s shutters.

BARNABY: (Whispering to Wally.) Oo, he’s not gonna like that.

WALLY: This bug has a small oval body with two orange wings covered in little white flowers. It has a little yellow tail. It has six yellow legs and six yellow paws. There is a big red flower around its neck and its yellow head is a circle with two antennas on top. It has a face with two round eyes, a nice smile and a little pink tongue in a blue mouth. It also has a black, round nose.

FRANK: Ah! The Dynastes Canis Parvis! Or as we call it, the Buggle! It’s quite a mischievous little creature that enjoys playing with others! Despite its high energy, it can often be found in flower beds where they bask in the sunshine! It blends in quite nicely too, considering all of the flowers on its wings!

WALLY: Yes. But this one is different. Its wings are spread, and there is a crack down the middle of its back.

FRANK: Oh, my! You are in the middle of a very important stage of the Buggle’s lifespan! Do you remember what it is, Wally? I’ve told you about this before! But now you’ll actually be able to witness it firsthand for yourself! How lucky are you!?

BARNABY: (Doubtfully and worriedly said.) Are, uh- are we lucky?

FRANK: (Said with pure joy.) You are! (Said passionately.) Although some bugs enter a cocoon to reach their next stage of life, the one you’ve found is a special case! (A little bugle jingle plays as he speaks.) The Buggle is what we would regard as a nymph, a type of bug that goes through a process called an incomplete metamorphosis! That means it will gradually grow into adulthood by shedding its skin over and over again! (An excited drumroll plays.) But you two are seeing what could be its last round of molting, thereby completing its final metamorphosis! (A triumphant cymbal plays.) Isn’t that exciting?!

BARNABY: (Said completely deadpan.) I’m, uh… jumpin’ with joy over here, pal.

JULIE: (Just as excited as Frank) Me too!

FRANK: (Said with haste.) Wally! Quickly! Describe its form to our audience as it leaves its exoskeleton behind!

BARNABY: (Makes a noise like he’s going to be sick.) I’m about to leave my exoskeleton behind.

JULIE: (Realizes something and interrupts with a gasp.) Wait, wait, wait, Frank! Stop the presses!

FRANK: (Surprised and a tinge annoyed.) What, what, what, Julie! This isn’t a newspaper!

JULIE: It looks like you’re forgetting something this time, Frank! We can’t spoil the big Buggle surprise on the radio!

(A gentle, jaunty tune begins to play.)

JULIE: The Buggle is one of the many cutie crawlers found in the Welcome Home “Grow-a-pal” collection of transformation toys! Brought to you by Marlo! Why spoil the fun for our young listeners when they can purchase an egg of their favorite neighborhood bug and be a part of the transform-ogri-fication process for themselves! (Said in woeful agony.) Think of our listeners, Frank!

(FRANK sighs heavily as the music ends.)

BARNABY: (Also said in woeful agony, more jokingly.) Yeah, Frank, think of the children!

FRANK: Well then, let’s meet down the middle. How about you give us a thoughtful opinion on what you’re seeing instead, Wally?

WALLY: Alright. Hmm… Home won’t like it, but I think it is beautiful.

FRANK: I couldn’t have said it better myself!

BARNABY: (Said in disgust.) Well I saw the whole thing and I think I’d pick a different word. (Calling to HOME.) Hey, Home! (HOME creaks inquisitively.) You got somethin’ beautiful about to creep up and crawl all over your windows!

(HOME’s shutters groan and clatter in shock and distress.)

BARNABY: Quit shudderin’ your shutters and I’ll get it to stop buggin’ you!

WALLY: (Over HOME’s continued noises.) That’s all we have to report for today. We have been your Insect Inspectors! On the scene bringing you the buzz from the bee’s-

BARNABY: -And the A, B, C, D’s of the L, M, N, O, P’s of the Q,R,S,T,U,Vs!

WALLY: I’m Wally Darling!

BARNABY: And I’m Barnaby B. Stinkbug!

WALLY: And we bid you a fond farewell! Don’t forget to wave up high!

BARNABY: (Grumbling as he tries to help HOME.) Ow! Quit slappin’ me around!

(The WELCOME HOME THEME JINGLE plays as the scene transitions.)

JULIE: I sure hope they get that bug off Home! I know if I had a big beetle on me, I’d be shakin’ in my petals!

FRANK: (Confused.) What? What about that time you were covered in butterflies!

JULIE: That’s different, Frank! They were helping me out! I wanted to see if they could carry me away!

FRANK: …Well? How did it go?

JULIE: Well!

(A rim shot sound effect is heard.)

FRANK: (Laughing) Oh, Well! Oh you! That’s a good one!

JULIE: Another good one is the sponsor of tonight’s episode! A Darling Broadcast is sponsored by Welcome Home’s favorite bottled jubilations; Joy!

(Cartoonish slide whistle, cymbal and flute sounds play as she speaks.)

JULIE: Feeling down and feeling beat? Take a swig of something sweet! You’ll fix your slack, get back on track, and see that Joy gives you what you lack! So find your knack with this flavor attack that’ll keep you coming back and back!

FRANK: There’s never been a catchier sentiment said, Julie! It was a little scary with how quickly you said that, though…

JULIE: That’s because I’m brimming with it, Frank! Joy runs through this rainbow monster! (Chimes play as she speaks.) From the tips of my horns to my sweet little paws! What about you though, Frank? Do you like it? Tell me you like it!

FRANK: It certainly tastes, if that’s what you’re asking. Maybe it takes a rainbow monster’s palette to understand the complex flavors…

JULIE: Don’t worry, Frankly-poo, I’ll drink a bottle of Joy every day for the both of us!

FRANK: It’s so kind of you to help me, Julie dear. Speaking of help- Learning about bugs doesn’t just stop with outdoor exploration and observation! There’s many questions individuals may be asking themselves with no clear answer in sight!

JULIE: (Said with fear. A spooky musical sting plays.) What if the bugs get into your house and tuck each other into your bed? Oooo! (Said with terror.) What if they sneak into your bread box and eat all the bread? Aaah!

FRANK: That’s correct! So join us as we take calls from our very own neighborhood and clear up any problems regarding our smallest residents!

JULIE: We got our first caller coming in now! (A clown horn honks as she picks up.) Neighbor, you’re on the air!

EDDIE: (Said in a panic. He trips over his own words in his haste to get all of the information out as fast as possible.) Mr. Frankly! Mr. Frankly! Ms. Joyful! Thank the parcels you two picked up! This is Eddie Dear speaking! We’ve got ourselves a problem here at Sally’s house- We bein’ Sally and I- and we’ve been itchin’ to call you two as fast as we could! But I told Sally, ‘Now Ms. Starlet, we can’t go interrupting their talk show! We gotta wait our turn,’ and y’all know me, I’m never one to impose-

SALLY: Give me that! (To the phone.) Franklin! Juliet! I need answers quickly! We have a serious dilemma! You see, there is this collection of wretched little creatures that have intruded into my not-so-humble, happy abode! (Said sadder and more dramatically the longer she talks, a desolate slide whistle playing.) They have nearly dismantled and despoiled my entire wardrobe! Invaded my sanctimonious sanctuary and brought devastation in its wake and-!

EDDIE: (Yanking the phone back to get the answer out faster.) Somethin’ got in her walk-in closet! They look like butterflies- But I know full well they ain’t! Because I ain’t never seen a horde of butterflies eat a chartreuse king’s robe the way these little fellers did!

SALLY: (Fighting for the phone back, indignant.) Give that to me! (To the phone.) As I was saying-! …Well… I suppose he said it all! (Said with gradually more terror.) As of Home falling prey to that Buggle in your show, the mailman and I have managed to barricade those ravenous creatures into my hat closet! But… But they’re going to eat me out of caps and capes soon, Franklin! What do I do?!

JULIE: Sounds like somebuggy’s… hungry!

(A rim shot sound effect is heard. JULIE laughs.)

SALLY: This is no laughing matter, Juliet! We need solutions, now!

FRANK: Fret not, Sally! Mr. Dear! It sounds to me like you’re dealing with a couple of costume moths! Tineola bisselliella Habitus! It's quite funny- (A very long, slow slide whistle plays as he speaks.) Unlike clothing moths, costume moths have a strict diet of attire made specifically for theatrical performances in mind! Fun fact, the sort of clothing they eat dictates the shape and color of their wings!

EDDIE: (Whispered, meekly said.) Y’know what, Sal, that is a pretty fun fact-!

SALLY: (Whispered, angrily said.) Perhaps to the easily enthused! But not to I!

FRANK: But the solution for your problems is actually quite simple! Strong scents tend to ward off creatures like these and keep them out of your personal belongings! Might I suggest a bushel of flowers? Lavender comes to mind for this sort of conundrum!

EDDIE: (To himself, quickly said as if realizing.) Lavender! Why didn’t I think’a that?! I grow it outside my Post Office just for that very reason! (To SALLY, said with newfound hope.) Oh Sal, we’re gonna save those berets and bowler hats yet! I’ll just run back to work real quick and go pick some right now! Let me just get up and-!

SALLY: EDDIE, NO! YOU WERE THE ONLY THING BARRICADING THE DOOR SHUT!

(The door creaks and a low, groaning, horrific sound plays.)

EDDIE: (Bashfully as if just realizing that too.) Oh right, I was!- (Screaming in terror.) AGH!!

SALLY: (Screaming in terror.) AGH!!!

(The click of the phone hanging up can be heard, and the screams and sounds are cut off.)

JULIE: Sounds like they got themselves in a- (Sing-song.) -sticky situation!

(A rim shot sound effect is heard. JULIE cracks up laughing.)

FRANK: (Laughing slightly.) I don’t think that joke is entirely accurate for the situation. Well…! Why don’t we move on…!

JULIE: That I can do, Frankly-poo! Neighbor, you’re on the air!

POPPY: (Talking like she hasn’t got a problem in the world.)
Julie, dear, hello! Hello to you too, Frank! How are you two today? I heard the weather outside is just wonderfully warm!

FRANK: We’re very well!

JULIE: But how well are you?

POPPY: How kind of you to ask! (Talking like she’s dancing around the problem she obviously has. A sharp whistle keeps playing as if a bug is flying right around her head.)
So there’s this… Hm… So you see… I’ve got a… How do I go about wording this? I don’t want to be rude! It’s just that… There is a teeny tiny little fellow who flew in here- Uninvited, mind you! Straight in from my window and right down onto a plate of jam tarts I had put out for company!

HOWDY: (Angrily said) And I’m the company!

(HOWDY’s many legs stomping around can be heard.)

POPPY: Oh yes! I brought my jam tarts out so I could share some with Howdy to say thank you for bringing me my groceries!

JULIE: (Proud of herself and saying it louder than last time.) Sounds like somebuggy’s hungry!

(A rim shot sound effect is heard.)

HOWDY: (Said sternly and angrily.) That was a little funny, but I resent that comical sound!

POPPY: (Steering them back on track.) Frank! You know I’d never push a guest out of my home, invited or not! Especially one so appreciative of my baking…! It’s just… Oh… Oh! What am I to do?!

HOWDY: I say give ‘em the old heave ho, Pops! A bug that doesn’t know when to buzz off is no company of mine! What’re we doin’ calling Frank for anyways!? I got a pushbroom with this little guy’s name written all over it! Engraved even!

POPPY: No, no, no! I want to be polite!

(A cymbal and horn can be heard, seemingly from Julie.)

FRANK: Poppy! Howdy! I know how difficult it can be to have unwanted company in your home, but I promise you it can be done! With no hurt feelings and no violence necessary!

POPPY: Thank goodness!

HOWDY: Oh boo!

FRANK: Just take a large cup and gingerly place it over your unexpected visitor! Then, carefully slide a piece of paper underneath to keep it contained. Now you can easily pick up your guest and escort them out of your home without fuss!

POPPY: Did you hear that, Howdy?

HOWDY: Already on it, Poppy! (HOWDY’s many footsteps can be heard.) I’m such a nice guy, I even let the poor sap keep the tart!

FRANK: (Sarcastically mumbled.) Yes, I’m sure it didn’t hear you wanting to smack it out.

(A single whistle toots.)

POPPY: Oh Frank, thank you! Here I thought I would have to resort to being a cruel host and ask it to shoo! Now Howdy and I can both enjoy a nice breeze from the open window and a taste of these delicious… (A slight buzz is heard. PAUSE. Said in disbelief.) …Jam tarts. Oh my goodness, another one just flew in! Howdy, bring the cup again!

HOWDY: (Incredulous.) Another one?! (HOWDY’S many footsteps can be heard walking back.) What do I look like, a taxi cab for bugs?!

(The phone hangs up with a click.)

JULIE: A taxi cab for bugs! Call that a…! (Thinking.) Call that a….

FRANK: (Proudly.) A Cab-erpillar!

JULIE: Oh!! (A rim shot sound effect can be heard.) Check please!

FRANK: (Chuckles to himself before continuing.) This concludes our special airing of A Darling Broadcast brought to you by the Playfellow Workshop in partnership with Joy. We hope we soothed your restless ears with good news brought to you from our Home to yours. We also hope you learned a thing or two today!

FRANK: I- (Hesitates very briefly. Sincerely said.) I believe it is important to remind one’s self that bugs are not too different from a fellow resident! They are not something… Th-they are something not to be feared or despised, but to be understood and to live alongside in one's own neighborhood! We are all unique, complex, and integral parts of what makes our respective ecosystems so special!

JULIE: That was so beautiful…! The next time I see a big spider, I’m shaking all eight of its little hands! At the same time!

FRANK: (Sincerely said.) Thank you for saying so! Oh- Before we go, do you have any parting words, Julie?

JULIE: I sure do! Mail-in-Times day is coming up, ladies and letters! So memorize not forgetting to remember to get something extra special for your special somebuggy!

FRANK: Or your special some-bud-y! …Do you get it? Like a flower bud!

(A rimshot sound effect can be heard.)

JULIE: Quit your day job, Frank, cause you’re hi-larious!

(JULIE cracks up laughing as BARNABY walks in.)

BARNABY: Am I hearin’ things? Frank’s still tellin’ jokes now? Home must’ve hit me over the noggin harder that I thought!

WALLY: (Following behind.) No, I heard it too.

FRANK: (Said deadpan upon seeing Barnaby.) Barnaby? Wally? What are you two doing back here?

BARNABY: We’re here to help you wrap up the show, Franklyfly! Besides, I think I earned my indoor privileges! I sniffed enough creepy crawlies for a dog’s whole lifetime!

WALLY: And I brought the exoskeleton!

BARNABY: (Said with a frown.) And Wally brought the exoskeleton.

FRANK: (His mood immediately flips from anger to joy.) How fantastic! Then after the show, we can all spend our time together inspecting the shed cuticle of the Buggle for ourselves!

JULIE: (Ecstatic.) Oh, joy!

BARNABY: (Unhappy.) Oh… boy… Y’know– y’know what, Frank, I think- I think nature’s callin’ me back.

JULIE: That’s funny, I don’t hear anything!

FRANK: That’s all for today! We hope you all have a wonderful evening and don’t forget to wave up high!

WALLY: And we love you very much.

FRANK: Y-yes! That too! Good night!

(JINGLE PLAYS.)