Music!

[The sound of Barnaby falling into the snow is heard as music begins playing.]

JULIE: Up from the Home top, woah-oh-oh!
Barnaby fell into the snow!

SALLY: The part of Santa Claus is yours!

BARNABY: Well I didn’t want to be up there no mores!

EDDIE: Woah-oh-oh, where’d Julie go?

SALLY: She’s up there, the star of my show!

EDDIE: Up on the home-top? Oh, no, no!!
If she’s not careful, then down she’ll go!

JULIE: Don’t worry, Eddie, I’m Santa Claus!
I’m limber and light on my little paws!

EDDIE: You’re gonna make me lose my hat!
You’ll crack your horn goin’ on like that!

JULIE: Woah-oh-oh, look at me go!

SALLY: Look at her dance, the star of my show!

EDDIE: Up from the home-top, down she’ll go!!
Horns-first right into the snow!!
Oh, dearie me.

FRANK: What are you all doing?!

[The song clammers to a stop as FRANK enters the scene. The music collides to a stop.]

EDDIE: Mr. Frankly, thank goodness you’re here! I’ve rightly lost control of this situation!!

SALLY: You lost control!? Can’t you see we’re in the middle of preparing for my Homewarming play? Julie is my Santa Claus! And Home? Her trusted reindeer!

[HOME makes a few fretful house sounds and jingle bells.]

BARNABY: You all do whatever you want, I’m havin’ a snowman-sized snooze over here.

JULIE: Yeah- We’re singing a song, Frank!

[The music starts again.]

FRANK: What is all of this about?

SALLY: Calm down Franklin, you mustn’t shout!
She’s perfectly safe, now can’t you see?
Look at her dancing so carefree!

SALLY: Oh ho ho! It’s for my show!
Oh ho ho, Who wouldn’t go!

FRANK: I wouldn’t go if it were me!
I’m going home for some coffee…

JULIE: Oh ho ho, did you say go?
Oh ho ho, watch out below!
(She screams.)

FRANK: Up from the home-top?! No, no, no!
(He screams)

[The song stops for just a moment as JULIE collides with FRANK from the roof. EDDIE and SALLY look down at her.]

SALLY: Oh, good grief! There goes my show…

BARNABY: Hiya Frank, how do ya like the snow?

[The music ends.]

EDDIE: I tried to warn ya…

JULIE: Joke’s on you! My horns are better than ever!

EDDIE: Then what on earth was that awful crackin' sound??

FRANK: (muffled in the snow) That was me, Mr. Dear, that was me…

SALLY: Juliette, I fell from the sky, you fell from a house... Come on! Walk it off, walk it off - we have a show to do!

[The song begins with Howdy preparing for the store’s closure. The sound of sweeping can be heard, followed by glass rattling and shelf stocking.]

HOWDY: How, normally, I don’t close early for any ol’ thing! Not rain, not sleet, not snow - not even that time Julie launched herself clean through the wall over there! Nothing, I mean nothing, closes up Howdy’s before the workday is done!
(SUNG) But there’s one special day,
At this time of the season,
I’ll close a wink before shut-eye,
For a very good reason…

[A ‘shave-and-a-haircut’ knock at the door cuts him (and the music) off.]

HOWDY: Oh! I think I hear the reason for the season now!

[Howdy walks over to the door and throws them open. The bell over the door jingles as Hiya and Biya, his mom and dad, walk in!]

HOWDY: Ma! Pops!

HIYA (MOM): He-LLO, my little Howdyadoo! Are you eatin’ enough greens? (She turns to speak to her husband.) Oh, Biya, I told you he wasn’t eating enough! (She looks back at Howdy) I brought a leaf casserole for ya, honey-bug!

BIYA (DAD): Oh, quit babyin’ the boy, Hiya, dear! He’s a grown caterpillar! He ain’t a pill bug no more!

HOWDY: Since when have I ever been a pill bug! We’re all caterpillars!

[HIYA, BIYA, and HOWDY all laugh together]

HOWDY: Sooo, uh… (nervous laugh) not to be too indelicate about it, but… it’s just the two of ya here t’visit this year, right?

BIYA (DAD): That’s right!

HOWDY: Oh, good-

BIYA (DAD): (Interrupting him) Oh no no- Wait- no, no! That’s wrong!

HOWDY: (quickly after, quietly, to himself) Oh, no.

BIYA (DAD): After all, what’s a good Homewarming without all of the Pillars together!

HOWDY: Don’t tell me you brought the whole wiggle of ‘em with you!

HIYA (MOM): Oh, don’t be silly! Only a quarter of a wiggle, dear!

[HIYA and BIYA laugh uproariously as they walk past Howdy. An upbeat tempo starts in the background as he speaks to the audience.]

HOWDY: (with a small huff of frustration) Ain’t that just like family?
(SUNG) My family tree’s a wiggle of
Eleventy or more!
Even a quarter of ‘em
Will fill up my little store!
So clear the tables, clear the aisles,
And let ‘em all come through!
And I’ll get us all ready for--
A Ho-li-day Hull-a-ba-loo!
First up’s Hiya and Biya, here,
My mother and my pop!
They raised me up with love and care
Before I ran this shop!
Bankrolled me sellin’ lemonade
When I was only two!
(Resigned) So I guess for them, I’ll have to man…
This Ho-li-day Hull-a-ba-loo!

HIYA (MOM): You’re such a good boy, Howdy!

HOWDY: Ahhh, love you too, ma… (the bell over the door jingles) Oh, brother, is that my brother?

LATTER (BROTHER): But of course, Howdy!! Oh, jubilance, oh, mirth! What a blissfully blithesome day! As it always is when I get to spend time with you, my beloved brother!

HOWDY: (comparatively unenthusiastic) Uh-huh, mm, same to you, Latter.

LATTER (BROTHER): Why, as a matter of fact, I’m so overflowing with the spirit of the season, I’ve written a poem just to express my joyous feelings for these festivities…

[HOWDY groans as LATTER fumbles with some paper and clears his throat. The upbeat tempo cuts out and is replaced with a pretentious, classical-sounding tune while Latter reads.]

LATTER (BROTHER): Inhospitable! Supercilious! And, unbearably contentious!
This blizzarding apocalypse-oh hold on... acropolis, providing a holiday hypothesis--
Where doth thine yonder window break? Probably by a hippopotamus…

[The music cuts off immediately when Howdy speaks.]

HOWDY: All right, all right, that’s enough.

[After a second, the original upbeat melody resumes.]

HOWDY: (SUNG) Now, Latter here’s a poet,
Or at least that’s what he says!
Truth be told, his writin’
Fill me with a certain dread…
But even ramblin’ on and on
He’s family, through and through!
So I’ll bear with it, just today, for…
The Ho-li-day Hull-a-ba-loo!

LATTER (BROTHER): (said as if laughing it off) You, um, do realize you said all that right to my face, don’t you, brother dearest--

HOWDY: (the bell over the door jingles; Howdy lets out a big GASP!) Is that little Seeya I see there?! Outta the way, Latter, my little sis is comin’ through!!

SEEYA (SISTER): Get on over here, Howdy, you big ol’ bug!! How are ya?!

HOWDY: Bundles better now that you’re here, sis!!

LATTER (BROTHER): Um, I am also ecstatic and would adore a sisterly embrace--

HOWDY: Oh, go help ma with her casserole, Latter.

[LATTER makes a gentle disappointed noise and slinks off.]

SEEYA (SISTER): Oooh, I just knew ma would bring her trademark casserole! Good thing I took care of dessert - I brought my world-famous, delectable homemade honeycomb!

HOWDY: Hoo-ey!! Extra well done, I see… careful or you’ll set off the smoke alarm with that!

SEEYA (SISTER): Oh, you jokester! You know I always make it this way - just the way my honey-bee likes it!

HOWDY: (utterly delighted) You brought Beeya with ya?! My favorite brother-in-law, good to see ya!!

SEEYA (SISTER): He sure is!

[HOWDY and SEEYA laugh uproariously as BEEYA begrudgingly laughs with them.]

BEEYA (BROTHER-IN-LAW): (begrudgingly, not actually amused) Oh, you two are just a laugh riot.

HOWDY: (SUNG) Now Seeya here’s my sister--
A sweetheart, as you see!
Also, her hubby Beeya,
Who is quite a busy bee!

BEEYA (BROTHER-IN-LAW): (quick, spoken aside) That’s cute.

HOWDY: (SUNG) I love him like a brother--

LATTER (BROTHER): (quick, spoken aside) Hey…

HOWDY: (SUNG) And I know he loves me too!
So let’s give him a warm welcome at--
The Ho-li-day Hull-a-ba-loo!

[The bell over the door jingles again.]

SEEYA (SISTER): Howdo, Youdo! You two kids get in here too!

HOWDY: You mean my two favorite grubs are here?

BEEYA (BROTHER-IN-LAW): Of course! The holidays are a great opportunity for them to be somebody else’s problem for a change…

SEEYA (SISTER): Like, let’s say, yours!

[They laugh and walk away as HOWDO and YOUDO scamper in.]

HOWDY: Go-lly, the last time I saw you two, you were just a couple’a dew drops! Now, you two have been actin’ good this year, right?

HOWDO (NEPHEW 1): (said at the same time as YOUDO) Yes! Absowutewy!

YOUDO (NEPHEW 2): (said at the same time as HOWDO) Not particuwawy!

[Beat.]

YOUDO (NEPHEW 2): (said at the same time as HOWDO) Yes! Absowutewy!

HOWDO (NEPHEW 1): (said at the same time as YOUDO) Not particuwawy!

HOWDY: Well, which is it, then?

HOWDO & YOUDO (NEPHEWS): (said at the same time) We’ve been good.

HOWDY: All right, all right! Go play, you little scamps.

HOWDO & YOUDO (NEPHEWS): (said at the same time) Yaaaaay!!

HOWDY: (shouting over his shoulder) But don’t mess with any of the merchandise!! Yeesh.
(SUNG) My darling little nephews
Howdo and Youdo too!
Don’t let their sweetness fool ya --
They’re terrors through and through!!
But I love ‘em both to pieces,
As an Uncle ought ta do!
But, maybe they’ll help me clean up after…
The Ho-li-day Hull-a-ba-loo!

[The bell over the door rings again.]

HOWDY: Oh-- well good gracious, we got a whole pile ‘a Pillars here!! Aunt Toodaloo, Uncle Adieu, your… (said slightly confused) good friend, Sue… oh! And of course, my cousin Skedaddle, too!!

TOODALOO (AUNT): Always a delight to see you, my dear Howdyadoo! The shop looks… (beat) hm. Well, how are the stocks doing, then?

HOWDY: The what now?

TOODALOO (AUNT): The stocks, dear boy, the stocks! You are planning to sell this place someday, aren’t you? If I were you, I’d aim to get at least an uproarious laugh out of it - certainly no less than a giggle or two!

HOWDY: My stocks are green and this business is mean, Auntie!! Tell ‘er, Uncle Adieu!

ADIEU (UNCLE): (he speaks in incomprehensible Quebecois French, ending in some kind of “oo” sound)

SKEDADDLE (COUSIN): What my Uncle’s sayin’, Howds, you’re sound as a pound and then some. You’re, like, totally copacetic, this place is worth a plum.

[The background music goes on a few seconds while no one is speaking, then pauses when HOWDY speaks.]

HOWDY: (speaking to audience) You know, funny thing is, I think Uncle Adieu’s the one makin’ the most sense here. (back to the others) We’re gonna have to start speedin’ through family members if we wanna wrap up this song before springtime…

[As he keeps singing, the rhythm gets faster and more frantic, and the notes become gradually more discordant and unpleasant.]

HOWDY: (SUNG) There’s Hiya here, and Biya there,
Beeya and Seeya - what a pair!
Howdo, Youdo, nephews two,
And my brother Latter too,
Then there’s rich Aunt Toodaloo,
Husband Adieu and best friend Sue,
Skedaddle too- who could forget!
Howzit, Whozit, they’ll bring their pet--
Whatnot and Whatsit, they’ll come late--
Adios, Cheers-- oh, they won’t wait,
And then there’s Comin’, and there’s Goin’--
And my head feels like explodin’--!!

[The song abruptly stops as the last guest comes in. It’s GAM-GAM SALLY TATIONS, who has whacked him on the head.]

HOWDY: Ow!! Gam-Gam Sally Tations--

GAM-GAM SALLY TATIONS (GRANDMA): I told you all that big city fast-talkin’ isn’t good for ya!

HOWDY: But on the noggin, Gam-Gam…?!

GAM-GAM SALLY TATIONS (GRANDMA): Well, someone had ta slow you down!

[The music resumes, but much more slow and gentle.]

GAM-GAM SALLY TATIONS (GRANDMA): (SUNG) You’re out rushin’ your wiggle
Like you’re hustling for a sale!
Relax your rumpus for a ‘mo--
Have a cup of wassail!
And don’t forget the reason
We’re all gathered here with you…

HOWDY: For the Homewarmin’...?

GAM-GAM SALLY TATIONS (GRANDMA): Better than that, you green bean!
(SUNG) To share some time together, at the…
Ho-li-day Hull-a-ba-loo!

[The bell over the door jingles one last time.]

BARNABY: Heya, Howdy! I’ve been walkin’ around all day long and boy, my dogs are barkin’! Mind if I wet my whistle and-...

HOWDY: Hiya, Barn!

EVERYONE: (at the same time) Hiya, Barn!

BARNABY: …woof.

[A gentle piano and bassoon track begins playing.]

The sun is low, it’s cold and dark,
Just wind and snow, I must remark,
The bugs all head to slumberland,
Some might find it sad, but I understand,

Even if I might not be able to see you,
I know it’s for the best, I can’t keep you,
It’s time for all of you to get some rest,
To tuck you all into your arthropod nests,

With one last check, that nothing is amiss,
I can see you safe into your chrysalis,
As you snuggle down into your dirt,
I want to assure you that I won’t be hurt.

As the holidays begin to approach,
I gently kiss, each and every roach,
I made sure to keep, my garden cozy,
So you can safely sleep, in fallen posies,

It’s time to get comfortable in your honeycomb,
take your winter intermission in your garden loam,
neatly nestled from the cold in roots and rhi-ya-zomes,
sleeping side by side under stately stones,
…And I’ll be inside of my home,

Regardless of how I feel you need to go away,
I’ll be the one to tell you, you just can’t stay,
Thankfully I lack a sentimental sensibility,
I enjoy my Methodical Mundanity,
Where all that’s left is… Me.

(A funky tune plays.)

FRANNY: You’ve got a bud that won’t blossom,
Grass without the dew,

JONESY: Soil devoid of its riches,

BEA: Cloudy day, no sun in view.

FRANNY: You’re confused, you’re lost, you’re worried,

JONESY: You’re at your wits end,

BEA: You need an answer to your problems,
Just keep in mind, my friend!

ALL: Just keep in mind, my friend!

FRANNY: That rhythm is running through you,
Like water from the stream,
Frost is taking the back seat,
The words are flowing just like a dream.

The beat is slowly turning,
You’ve got to take hold,
The leaves and petals are dancing,
Really gel with these colors, bold!